Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment.
Isaiah 50:10-11


For the past 4 years, God has constantly been teaching me that I have to leave the blindfold on and just trust Him to lead me where He wants me to go. I just have to go with it. Just trust. It's a little hard for someone who is a completely goal-driven control-freak. But it's awesome. So much better than the plans I have for myself. And I realize that even when things are a little - or alot - hard.

Right now, it's just me and my two munchkins for at least 5 days a week. A little hard when my two year old tells me that he misses his daddy - with lip poked out about a mile, of course. Okay, it's been alot hard...this week the stomach bug visited my house. I think that Lysol stock just rose dramatically. Point is...when things all start coming together, it's awesome. It's kind of like watching someone put together a puzzle that you have no idea what it looks like...until you see the pieces coming together.

I am so tired, but can't sleep...again.

I think that mini blinds are like sensible shoes...I'm glad I have them sometimes, but I'm definitely not into how they look...And...I could throw them away and suffer without them. The problem - making my neighbors suffer with constant vision of me through my windows. Poor neighbors...

I have been contemplating pillows quite alot lately. I like them. Alot of them. Looking at tons of pillows just makes me feel more relaxed. I need a pillow collection. Soft, satiny, shiny, rosy pillows...

I am still sick. WHEN WILL IT END?!!! Either I or the kids have been sick for a month now. Hardly any relief...I need sleep and relaxation.

I think that I will book a trip to a tropical island soon - like never...Oh, well. No one on that tropical island deserves to see my big, white booty in a bathingsuit anyways...I think I am going to buy one of those one-pieces with a skirt...

I finally bit the bullet and did it. Everything is ready...if that lady will just give me permission to do what I want. It's crazy...but I did it. Now, we'll see if it works. Don't know what I'm writing about? Give me a call. I'll tell you.

I need a rainy day, and pearls, and some coffee in a near dead restaurant with eggplant and goat cheese...I need quiet and noise, loneliness and people...All at the same time. With something warm and wonderful and full of flavor...I'm hungry again...as usual.

I really love my children. Everytime that my little ones (and they both do this now) tell me that they love me, my heart just melts. It's really marvelous to put yourself on the back burner for two little beings who are as wonderful as my babies are. I love being a mommy...I don't know about being good at it, but it's finally wonderful to do something that I feel like I was always meant to do. They give me purpose.

When I go to the grocery store, and the bag boy looks like he's young enough to be my child...and I put on red lipstick for the express purpose of buying cans of green beans and cartons of milk...I know that I am old. Very, very old.

I want to lay out in the sun...Just to feel those warm rays baking my skin...I love laying out in the sun. I get to just sit around, and still feel that I am accomplishing something. I suddenly have this need in my life to always keep moving. It makes it very hard to relax sometimes. Actually, I guess I don't really relax anymore - at all. Even when the kids are asleep, I still listen out for them. Right now, I am listening to them breath in the next room. I am constantly tending little ones or cleaning. I should be relaxing - or at least sleeping - right now. But I don't feel relaxed. I feel as if there are so many things that I should be doing...I just can never get it all done... I think that this can't be solved by warm milk or - gasp!- even a bubble bath. I think I have morphed into a shark lady...Never- stop- moving- until- you -die-shark -lady...

I am soooooo cold. When did I become too old to hope for snow? I don't even remember. I can hope for spring still. That's a mercy.

Somedays, I just want to hang half upside down on the side of my bed and sing until my throat get tired, I run out of songs, and I feel dazed and relaxed. Sunshine go away today, I don't feel much like dancing...

WATCH THIS...

Now...dance.

confessions

things THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD CONFESS...

1.I still really want to know if I could get a ride from a complete stranger just by showing a little leg. What a wonderful way to save on gas money...

2.Sometimes I laugh when other people's children misbehave. Quit kidding yourself and own up to it - you think it's funny, too.

3.I have the ability to eat a whole bag of mini Snicker bars at one sitting... Oh, yum...

4.I often want to shoot people with water guns. Strangers, people I know...yeah, it doesn't matter.

5.I have an awful crush on Robin Hood. He's soooooo ...sooo - well, foxy.

6.I am contemplating stealing my daughter's princess tiara - just for a day. I really love the way it feels on my head. I just want to wear it around town and wave at passing cars.

7.I so greatly dislike snakes that I will not take my children into the reptile complex at the zoo unless we are with other people.

8.I have always wanted a bed so high that I would need a step stool to climb up into it.

9.I have really always wanted a pair of pink leg warmers. If I ever find them...

10. It is nearly 2am, and I am just now getting sleepy... By the way, I can eat a 2 piece fried chicken snack from Zesto's in 28.6 seconds flat. I think that I could eat one in 16.9 seconds right now...I am sooooo hungry....

Budgets are worse than caffeine...

I fell asleep next to my Bear tonight. I love our bedtime routine. I bathe the kids and brush their teeth and hair. Then, it's time to give both of them their cups of milk and snuggle them down into their cozy little beds. I don't know what I'm going to do when they aren't both in the same room anymore. I make sure that the room is spotless and dimly lit...And then I kiss them and sit down to read Bible stories to them until they fall asleep. Princess looks at me until she can't hold her eyes open any longer, and then she snuggles onto her pillow and closes her little eyes. Bear responds with "Uh huh, Mommy," to everything that I say until he finally gets too sleepy. Then I sit there in the peaceful quiet and contemplate the changes that constantly occur in my life. I think that it is the most relaxing time of my whole day. Tonight, I got a little carried away and read two or three stories to myself after Princess went to sleep. Bear leaned up in his bed - with a smile on his face - and pulled my back to reality with a giggly "Mommy!" So I sat on his bed next to him where he could see the pictures and read the story to him. We prayed, and then it wasn't long at all until we were both fast asleep. It was one of those few times in my adult life that I have been as relaxed as I was when I was a child.

You know - that "everything is okay" feeling that children feel without even realizing that they are feeling it? No worries. No stress. That's when money grows on camelia bushes and death only happens to random old people in books and movies. The biggest decisions that you have to make is whether to play "hide and seek" or "red rover"...Reality doesn't scale down your dreams...and war is a card game...

I watched Princess movies yesterday - two of them. You must understand...watching two movies is alot for me. Until a couple of weeks ago, the closest thing to a movie that I had watched was a Veggie Tale DVD. (All right, I did watch the Veggie Tale pirate movie...Great movie. Annoying yankee accent.) I love princess movies. Cinderella made me cheer and clap and cry - without realizing what I was doing until I did it. Princess Diaries 2 made me cheer the mean guy turned caring, sensitive sweet guy on. I kind of thought he needed a hair cut, though. At least he dressed nicely - and he was a gourmet chef. But so was Ratatouille. I didn't really like that movie. Some of the content was a little off color for children. We bought the movie, and I haven't allowed my children to watch it yet.

It all happened so fast...I've never had time to catch my breath... in dreams you're all alone...

I should be getting ready for bed...

From there to here...From here to there...Funny things are everywhere.

I bought a broom today. The old one was covered in raw eggs. It's in the trash.

I sort of want to cut my hair. But I really don't. I think I should shave my head. I think about my hair a little too much.

I really don't like white walls...so yuck...and blah...and uninspiring. I want to paint my walls in my kitchen somewhere between red, orange, and peach. I haven't decided which.

I want Chinese food and Japanese food...egg rolls, and potstickers, and crab rangoons, and cold buckwheat noodles with miso sauce and seaweed on top...I'm hungry now.

I'm so happy, and tired, and ready to organize everything that I can lay my hands on...

Listening to disco music in the car today made me realize that I've always wanted Farrah Fawcett hair. I'll never really be happy with my hair until it looks like Farrah Fawcett hair.

I feel so powerful when I hide behind my oversized sunglasses and my jogging stroller. That jogging stroller is really nice. It is a very visible reminder that I am fat because I have two kids - let's not blame it on them, but...- and it also hides my hips from the front view. Nice. My sunglasses make me brave and give me super powers. Never leave home without them.

Have you ever wanted to eat something so badly, but everytime you tried to eat what you thought you wanted, you realized it wasn't what you wanted after all? So frustrating. I could gain five hundred pounds like this...

I dreamed last night that Hubby's law school class had a little alumni function, and that I had to wear a little black dress and go schmooze with Hubby...But it was so boring that I dodged people who tried to talk to me in an evasive way that left them admiring me and wanting to talk to me all the more and that I ran away into the heart of the college campus downtown where I quickly changed out of my tennis shoes in to a pair of black stillettos and put on my big sunglasses. I was warmly received by a crowd of young college students who thought that my older, more mature world view was fascinating, and they quickly wanted to make me leader of their pack. I kept up my mysterious nature by leaving them at the height of my popularity to finally return to Hubby when his function was over and he once again missed me. However, to keep in touch with my new found fan club, I rented a historic old building to live in. I suspected that the condo was shared by a number of vermin. Therefore, I conducted an investigation in which I peaked into the dimly lit condo through the glass doors that led to the balcony. I then surveyed two little furry creatures sitting on my living room floor. I immediately asked my mother if I could crash at her place with my family for the rest of my life - to which she replied that I could stay only one night. I agreed to this with the intent that I would continue to beg until one night became the rest of my life. At that point, I awoke with the vague feeling that a mouse was in my room. Thankfully, this was only a distant memory of the dream from which I had just been awakened. My current home is - due to my diligence and obsessive cleaning - rodent and bug free.

Another day...

another dollar owed, another mess to clean up, another pound gained,

another cold day to shiver through, another day to not finish everything on my list...

VS

another day to sip coffee, another day to watch Sesame street, another burst of sunshine,

another day to let my hair grow, another book to read, another floor to mop/vacuum,

only one more day until Hubby comes home left, another kiss from my children,

another "I love you, Mommy", another chance to talk to my Creator...

Another day to hope, dream, inspire to do better, another day to love a little more...Another day to enjoy the blessings that I have been given...

This is going to be a good day...