Looking into my bag, I would break one of my rules and pull out my 14k gold compact in public. (Ladies never powder their noses in public.) He would never know - or maybe he would - that it was really recording our whole conversation.
"What makes me so sure I can trust you?" I would ask in my usual nonchalant voice.
"What makes you so sure that you can't? That's just the gamble you have to take, baby."He would answer. And at that moment our eyes would lock for the first time. Darn it! Why did he have to be so handsome! Dark hair, hazel eyes...He was sure of himself - maybe a little too sure, but it only added to his charm.
I would fight to hold my composure. Then, without knowing the reason why, I would hear myself say, " If I've got it, you won't get it before tomorrow - at the earliest." Headquarters had demanded that the goods be delivered as quickly as possible. Why would I want to delay this? There were other missions...I think it had something to do with his eyes...Darn those eyes!
With a little too-knowing smile, he would nod his head. "So, you wanna dance?" He would ask leaning forward in his seat, with his fingers tapping on the table to the beat of the music.
"No, good girls are home by midnight." I would answer and rise from my seat. I would smile to myself as I felt his eyes appreciate my good fashion sense.
"Where should we meet?" He would ask - that same smug smile upon his lips.
"The board walk by the icecream stand on the beach." I would say quietly as I made my exit. It was an awful chance I was taking. What if someone had heard? No more delaying tomorrow. I knew that would have to be the last time I saw him.
The next day would be warm and sunny. I would look warm and sunny in my yellow strapless swim suit. My attitude would be cool and classy. He would be there - his tall, athletic frame clothed in black swim trunks and a white towel around his shoulders. Our eyes would meet, but we both knew that we would have to find a spot where we could just "end up" next to each other. No use having people linking our faces to each other. I would walk up the beach a ways before spreading out my towel and lying on the ground. I would pull my fashion magazine out and admire Oscar's work this season while I waited for him to nonchalantly make his way to my spot.
"Here. Take this magazine back." I would say, passing the magazine at him. He would know that within the pages, the goods were waiting. "I suppose that you will be gone now?" I asked- with a quiver in my voice. What was it about those eyes?
"Not until I do this -" he would say as he passionately kissed my forehead and cheeks. (What did you expect folks? This is rated G.)
"Don't you want to make sure that it is there?" I ask, still trying to play it cool.
"Of course." He would say, valiantly trying to recover himself after being totally charmed by my beauty. And there between the pages of the magazine, he would find it. It was the top secret recipe to the secret sauce on a Mickey D's Big Mac.
"Holy cow! It's just THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING!"he would exclaim.
"Shhhhh! We don't want this one to get out!" I would say, looking around us to see if anyone had heard.
"You're right. The world will figure it out soon enough." He would say. He would fold it and place it back in the magazine. "We will let Big Daddy decide when to reveal the information to the world. Our jobs are nearly done."
"Nearly done? I thought that my part was over." I would say.
"Not until you marry me." He would say- grabbing my hand.
"Oh, yes! And we can have -" I stopped myself. Big Macs just don't taste quite as good after you have realized their secret sauce isn't quite so secret... "We can have grilled shrimp and strawberries and peach cobbler and bruschetta for the rest of our lives! And poodles!!!"
And, ladies and gentlemen, that's how I found love on a top secret mission. After that, we would just be two very fashion forward secret agents working together...
31 May, 2006
30 May, 2006
Day Dreams...
Here is what I am still saying - "Mama's don't let your babies grow up to be lawyers..." Hubby and my parents think that Peanut will eventually end up in law school. Over my dead corn crop. He's going to be a farmer.
It looks beautiful outside. I want to go for a swim, but I don't want to leave knowing that Hubby is coming home. I have to run errands today,too. Hubby will study - as usual.
I have the munchies. Don't know what I want, though. SO, I just want to eat everything until I figure it out.
Wait - I know what I want. Peach cobbler and bruschetta. Yum!!!!!!
This waiting for the baby is getting harder and harder. I keep imagining things that could go wrong. And I don't think that I will be able to survive if anything happens to him. I keep worrying over whether I will make a good mother or not. I don't like kids - well, only hyper children. Okay, so I only like really well-behaved children. But you have to train them to be that way. So am I going to be a good parent? I feel large - very large. I feel tired. I am tired of my feet swelling if they aren't put up all of the time. I am tired of worrying, and sleeping, and waiting... I am sick of hearing "So when I have the baby all by myself..." or "See what you have in store for you..." or "Wow, you'll never be able to do that again soon..." or "Oh, you'll give that idea up. Wait a few weeks. You won't even care any more..." or "Let's see how long that rule lasts..." I want to scream. I am tired of this incessant circle of first excitement, then dread over giving birth. I am tired of thinking, "Is this it?" everytime I have a pain. I do not wish to be pregnant much longer.
Wake up, Maggie. I got something to say to you. It's early September and I really want to go back to school...All you did was wreck my bed and in the morning kick me in the head. Oh, Maggie I couldn't have tried anymore. You made a first class fool out of me...You stole my heart, that's a pain I could do without...All I needed was a friend to lend a helping hand. But, you turned into a lover, and mother what a lover, you wore me out. You led me away from home, just because you didn't want to be alone...
I really think that Maggie Mae was a much, much older woman who liked little boys and needed to be locked up somewhere. It's a creepy song - but it has a catchy tune.
I feel like wearing a ripped pair of hip-hugging, tight, bell-bottom jeans today. With a tiny red tank top. And a head scarf. And a huge pair of sunglasses. And I would drive my convertible 'stang (powder blue - 1966 model) around some mountain cliffs overlooking the ocean. I would stop at some little gas station, where the workers would fight over who got to pump my gas. I would buy a fashion magazine and a pack of cigarettes (which I would never smoke - can someone say "YUCK!"). All eyes would follow me as I walked to the door. I would never notice. I would tip the attendant and speed on the road. After some time I would stop at a little diner. My lips would never curl into anything more than a very-knowing, very wise semi-smile. My voice would remain low and authoratative - without being rude. I would order a sandwich and a glass of tomato juice. I would leave most of the food on my plate, tip very big, and leave. I would be a woman of mystery to all who encountered me.
That night, I would stop at some hotel and get a room. I would dress in a very tight, figure-flattering white dress that would show off all of my show-stopping curves. (Imagine white, knee length...) My hair would be shoulder-length, golden brown, flipped on the ends...My jewelry would consist of one very jewel encrusted bangle. My shoes would be white alligator pumps - with slightly pointy toes and very skinny heels. My make-up would be perfect. The scent of Chanel No.5 would float in the air around me. I would walk through a small, jazzy club called the "Grotto" - with my matching, white alligator clutch in hand. I would ask for a dark booth in the back - where I could watch all that was going on.
And then he would appear. He would wear a black suit, white shirt with top button undone. He would walk over to my table without any rush or eagerness. He would ask - both politely and brusquely - if "this seat were taken?" I would demurely shrug and look past him - glass in one hand. He would sit and then - without looking at me - he would say in a low voice "So, did you get it?"...
It looks beautiful outside. I want to go for a swim, but I don't want to leave knowing that Hubby is coming home. I have to run errands today,too. Hubby will study - as usual.
I have the munchies. Don't know what I want, though. SO, I just want to eat everything until I figure it out.
Wait - I know what I want. Peach cobbler and bruschetta. Yum!!!!!!
This waiting for the baby is getting harder and harder. I keep imagining things that could go wrong. And I don't think that I will be able to survive if anything happens to him. I keep worrying over whether I will make a good mother or not. I don't like kids - well, only hyper children. Okay, so I only like really well-behaved children. But you have to train them to be that way. So am I going to be a good parent? I feel large - very large. I feel tired. I am tired of my feet swelling if they aren't put up all of the time. I am tired of worrying, and sleeping, and waiting... I am sick of hearing "So when I have the baby all by myself..." or "See what you have in store for you..." or "Wow, you'll never be able to do that again soon..." or "Oh, you'll give that idea up. Wait a few weeks. You won't even care any more..." or "Let's see how long that rule lasts..." I want to scream. I am tired of this incessant circle of first excitement, then dread over giving birth. I am tired of thinking, "Is this it?" everytime I have a pain. I do not wish to be pregnant much longer.
Wake up, Maggie. I got something to say to you. It's early September and I really want to go back to school...All you did was wreck my bed and in the morning kick me in the head. Oh, Maggie I couldn't have tried anymore. You made a first class fool out of me...You stole my heart, that's a pain I could do without...All I needed was a friend to lend a helping hand. But, you turned into a lover, and mother what a lover, you wore me out. You led me away from home, just because you didn't want to be alone...
I really think that Maggie Mae was a much, much older woman who liked little boys and needed to be locked up somewhere. It's a creepy song - but it has a catchy tune.
I feel like wearing a ripped pair of hip-hugging, tight, bell-bottom jeans today. With a tiny red tank top. And a head scarf. And a huge pair of sunglasses. And I would drive my convertible 'stang (powder blue - 1966 model) around some mountain cliffs overlooking the ocean. I would stop at some little gas station, where the workers would fight over who got to pump my gas. I would buy a fashion magazine and a pack of cigarettes (which I would never smoke - can someone say "YUCK!"). All eyes would follow me as I walked to the door. I would never notice. I would tip the attendant and speed on the road. After some time I would stop at a little diner. My lips would never curl into anything more than a very-knowing, very wise semi-smile. My voice would remain low and authoratative - without being rude. I would order a sandwich and a glass of tomato juice. I would leave most of the food on my plate, tip very big, and leave. I would be a woman of mystery to all who encountered me.
That night, I would stop at some hotel and get a room. I would dress in a very tight, figure-flattering white dress that would show off all of my show-stopping curves. (Imagine white, knee length...) My hair would be shoulder-length, golden brown, flipped on the ends...My jewelry would consist of one very jewel encrusted bangle. My shoes would be white alligator pumps - with slightly pointy toes and very skinny heels. My make-up would be perfect. The scent of Chanel No.5 would float in the air around me. I would walk through a small, jazzy club called the "Grotto" - with my matching, white alligator clutch in hand. I would ask for a dark booth in the back - where I could watch all that was going on.
And then he would appear. He would wear a black suit, white shirt with top button undone. He would walk over to my table without any rush or eagerness. He would ask - both politely and brusquely - if "this seat were taken?" I would demurely shrug and look past him - glass in one hand. He would sit and then - without looking at me - he would say in a low voice "So, did you get it?"...
TO BE CONTINUED...
28 May, 2006
Baby Names...
I have been looking at baby names. I am bored. Hubby is still asleep - but that is a good thing. I fell asleep before him last night, and he hardly ever sleeps in this late. He does really need his rest. So...I have been trying to see if people really do name their children "Female"or "Orangejello."
I think that I have a whole list of names that I wish that my parents would have named me. (I do, however, really like my name.) I think that with a different name, I could have been a completely different person - but I am not sure that anyone else with that name would do the things that I would do if I were named that same name. Get it?
1.Bianca - with a name like this, I would have been mysterious. I probably would have worked for the CIA as a top-secret spy.
2.Helen - I would have had red hair and been the perfect hostess/housewife. Sort of like out of a 1950s movie.
3.Helga - With a name like this, I would have been a warrior-princess.
4.Margarita - I would salsa dance all night. I would have thick, curly black hair - in which I would always wear a huge red rose.
5.Beatrice - this depends on how people pronounce this one. With an Italian pronunciation, I would be queenly. With a good ol' American pronunciation, I would have a big nose and a pair of small spectacles.
6.Gertrude - With this name, I would insist on being called "Gertie" and I would be very ugly, but the life of the party - in a cheesy, corny sense.
7.Violet - I would be terribly sweet. Everyone would love me. I would have been a very nice person.
8.Maria Teresa - I would have been a nun.
9.Mildred - I would have been a hermit.
10.Josephine - I would have been a terribly eccentric person - and most likely a Tom-boy.
11.Myrtle - I would wear curlers in my hair and smoke Virginia Slims all day.
12. Daisy - I love this name. I would have been sweet, and rosy, and completely lovely. I would have been the person everyone wanted around. Hubby would never have married me because he would only have thought about his dog named "Daisy" everytime he talked to me.
13.Isabella - I would wear full, lacy white skirts with big pink sashes - until I was eighty-five.
14.Tatiana - I would have been definitely very lady-like. I would have been regal, and polite, and maybe a little demanding. I would be a great dancer. And I would speak with an accent.
15.Angel - I would be a very bad girl. I would smoke cigarrettes and drink whiskey out of a shoe. I would appear sweet in a bubble-gum sort of way. I would dance on tables while I giggled.
16. Mary Jane - I would be very mod. I would wear only short, black-and-white minidresses. My hair would be long and straight. And I would wear knee socks and high-heeled loafers. I would have a huge pair of white sunglasses. And I would smoke...
17. Rain - I would be a really cool hippy chick. I would only wear organic-fiber clothes. I would play my guitar that would be always with me. I would sing in a monotone voice and swing my long, curly hair. I would post "Don't Hurt Your Mother" bumper-stickers on my car - that was broken down and constantly polluting the environment. And I would recycle.
18. Bubba - I would be a lumberjack and like other women.
19.Cookie - I would be terribly corpulent, but I would make a mean batch of - muffins.
20.Lucy - I would be one of those insufferable British chicks. I would only wear gray and navy blue and black. I would prefer slacks to skirts. I would be monotone, and stuffy.
21.Rose Marie - I would have married a mounty. I would be small and petite and lady-like. And, boy, could I belt out a song!
22.Bertha - I would open up a bar in the middle of some small town. I would be the bar-tender/bouncer/rule-enforcer. I would have a huge "Mom" tattoo on my upper bicep.
23.Destiny - I would be a stripper.
24.Mary - totally the girl-next-door, but with a secret...
25.Taylor - "Like, what? So, this nail-polish like really clashes...Ohmyga! She so did not! Wow, like I drank so much last night. Did you like see me? Ohmyga...My highlights are like so fading. Like, do you think my skin looks orange enough? Oooooh. I got like 10 different STDs in like the past year. Those little frat boys are like so dirrty. I haven't maxed out Daddy's card yet - let's go shopping...Do you like think if I slept on my book that I could pass Basket Weaving 101? Like I've already been to the class 3 times this semester. It's just like so hard. I was only a little hung-over. Ohmaga, someone's beeping in. It's probably McKenzie. That girl is such a b---h. Oh, Mckenzie! Ohmaga, girl! Like, let's go party!"
26.Victoria - With a name like this, I would be a little misanthropic, really Southern, really traditional, and a little weird - but I wouldn't care.
I think that I have a whole list of names that I wish that my parents would have named me. (I do, however, really like my name.) I think that with a different name, I could have been a completely different person - but I am not sure that anyone else with that name would do the things that I would do if I were named that same name. Get it?
1.Bianca - with a name like this, I would have been mysterious. I probably would have worked for the CIA as a top-secret spy.
2.Helen - I would have had red hair and been the perfect hostess/housewife. Sort of like out of a 1950s movie.
3.Helga - With a name like this, I would have been a warrior-princess.
4.Margarita - I would salsa dance all night. I would have thick, curly black hair - in which I would always wear a huge red rose.
5.Beatrice - this depends on how people pronounce this one. With an Italian pronunciation, I would be queenly. With a good ol' American pronunciation, I would have a big nose and a pair of small spectacles.
6.Gertrude - With this name, I would insist on being called "Gertie" and I would be very ugly, but the life of the party - in a cheesy, corny sense.
7.Violet - I would be terribly sweet. Everyone would love me. I would have been a very nice person.
8.Maria Teresa - I would have been a nun.
9.Mildred - I would have been a hermit.
10.Josephine - I would have been a terribly eccentric person - and most likely a Tom-boy.
11.Myrtle - I would wear curlers in my hair and smoke Virginia Slims all day.
12. Daisy - I love this name. I would have been sweet, and rosy, and completely lovely. I would have been the person everyone wanted around. Hubby would never have married me because he would only have thought about his dog named "Daisy" everytime he talked to me.
13.Isabella - I would wear full, lacy white skirts with big pink sashes - until I was eighty-five.
14.Tatiana - I would have been definitely very lady-like. I would have been regal, and polite, and maybe a little demanding. I would be a great dancer. And I would speak with an accent.
15.Angel - I would be a very bad girl. I would smoke cigarrettes and drink whiskey out of a shoe. I would appear sweet in a bubble-gum sort of way. I would dance on tables while I giggled.
16. Mary Jane - I would be very mod. I would wear only short, black-and-white minidresses. My hair would be long and straight. And I would wear knee socks and high-heeled loafers. I would have a huge pair of white sunglasses. And I would smoke...
17. Rain - I would be a really cool hippy chick. I would only wear organic-fiber clothes. I would play my guitar that would be always with me. I would sing in a monotone voice and swing my long, curly hair. I would post "Don't Hurt Your Mother" bumper-stickers on my car - that was broken down and constantly polluting the environment. And I would recycle.
18. Bubba - I would be a lumberjack and like other women.
19.Cookie - I would be terribly corpulent, but I would make a mean batch of - muffins.
20.Lucy - I would be one of those insufferable British chicks. I would only wear gray and navy blue and black. I would prefer slacks to skirts. I would be monotone, and stuffy.
21.Rose Marie - I would have married a mounty. I would be small and petite and lady-like. And, boy, could I belt out a song!
22.Bertha - I would open up a bar in the middle of some small town. I would be the bar-tender/bouncer/rule-enforcer. I would have a huge "Mom" tattoo on my upper bicep.
23.Destiny - I would be a stripper.
24.Mary - totally the girl-next-door, but with a secret...
25.Taylor - "Like, what? So, this nail-polish like really clashes...Ohmyga! She so did not! Wow, like I drank so much last night. Did you like see me? Ohmyga...My highlights are like so fading. Like, do you think my skin looks orange enough? Oooooh. I got like 10 different STDs in like the past year. Those little frat boys are like so dirrty. I haven't maxed out Daddy's card yet - let's go shopping...Do you like think if I slept on my book that I could pass Basket Weaving 101? Like I've already been to the class 3 times this semester. It's just like so hard. I was only a little hung-over. Ohmaga, someone's beeping in. It's probably McKenzie. That girl is such a b---h. Oh, Mckenzie! Ohmaga, girl! Like, let's go party!"
26.Victoria - With a name like this, I would be a little misanthropic, really Southern, really traditional, and a little weird - but I wouldn't care.
25 May, 2006
Weird Stuff...
The power died last night. When I was in the bathtub. In the middle of trying to enjoy a nice, relaxing, hot bath. I thought that I was dead when the power went out. Hubby was taking a practice test. It was weird.
I don't feel like doing anything today. It is just one of those days. My feet have been swelling alot lately. Even when I am not standing on them. Last night my ankles were so big, it looked as if I just had fins. That was weird.
Hey, maybe I should dedicate this blog to all things weird.
I had this dream last night. I dreamed that I found out that the baby wasn't mine. Or Hubby's. And I was still pregnant with it. It made me angry. And it was weird.
My hair is so curly this morning. I had to sleep with it wet. It always curls into a near-Fro when I do that. And it looks weird.
The first "r" in February isn't pronounced. Yet we still include it in the spelling of the word. That is weird.
I have one more week now before I go to the doctor. When I go to the doctor I will be past the 36 week mark. That means that I will be a mommy soon - for real. That is weird.
I wonder if my belly feels like a water bed. Wouldn't that be weird?
I dreamed that I was going back to school after the baby was born - high school. And I was going to be a cheerleader. And I was in art class, but I wasted all of my time trying to help this guy work on his charcoal picture. The teacher told us we could draw on anything. So, I drew my picture on the side of a coke bottle. It looked really cool. It was of a deserted city - except for two people in the fore ground. Then the teacher and I got into a yelling match. She told me that I could be something if I would just keep at it. So I missed all of my other classes so that I could draw a picture. Except I was thinking too much about technique. It wasn't until I just let go of technique and closed me eyes, that the picture came together. It was as if I were looking too much at the individual lines before, but when I closed my eyes, my hand took over and my brain only saw the finished effect. It makes me want to draw today. But, I can't find my charcoal pencil set. Somewhere in the house... Do you think that the dream has any meaning? I'm a big one for trying to find meaning in dreams.
Oh, yeah - and when I closed my eyes it was as if I could not see if I were messing up. I remember thinking that in my dreams. And it helped me to succeed at the picture. Weird, huh?
Chicken salad in a philo dough shell is really pretty, easy, and good. Garnish the plate with tomato slices and sprinkle paprika on the entire plate - very sparingly, of course. A masterpiece!
I want to have a mocktail party. I am becoming obsessed with the idea. It all started yesterday when I kept finding really good appetizer recipes. I really want to make crab canapes. And baked brie with a nut crust and raspberry top. And I want to wear a little black dress. And I want to have low, jazzy music playing in the background. And I want my house to be spottlessly clean - with everything in place and candles lit everywhere. And I want to be hurrying around - but not looking as if I were in a hurry. I want to wear high heels and an apron. I want all of my guests to think that it is the most relaxing, elegant event that they have been to in a private home. And I want to make up mixed drinks in a shaker, so that my jewelry rattles - kind of like in the old movies. (Only no alcohol in the drinks...) And I want to have my ankles well-defined and my waist well-defined again... And I want to send out formal invitations to my party to a select number of guests. And I want my kitchen to look spottless the whole time that I am cooking for my guests. And I want Hubby to walk behind me and put his hands on my waist (I will have one again) and kiss my hair while I wash dishes. I want to feel as if I have been a perfect hostess and a good wife - allowing him and his friends to have a memorable time in his own home. And I want him to keep me company in the kitchen while I clean up the pretty glass dishes and cups. Sort of like how he did at the party that I and Old Roomie threw when I moved into the rip-off-payed-way-too-much apartment over the church.
That was the first time that I knew that I was in love with him. I tried to tell myself that wasn't what it was. But I knew. As cheesy as it sounds - we were washing dishes. But really, I knew then that he was the "one." I remember how peaceful it seemed in that kitchen (can you call it that?) with him while the rest of the party seemed chaotic. I remember what it felt like to stand close to him like that while we worked. I remember how I felt taken care of and protected from the noise. It scared me a little. I had thought that I would never fall in love. I only wanted to date for fun. I did not want to be serious until I had finished school, become really self-reliant and prosperous. And I absolutely didn't believe that people could fall in love - for real - that soon. It just goes to show that I don't - or didn't - know much about love. I still feel like that kid who can solve the calculus problem, but never quite understands how to tell someone else how he did it. So many questions. I don't think you can love more than one person like that in a lifetime...I've been told that I am wrong. I don't know. Does it matter? I don't know that either. All I know is that I am perfectly happy spending the rest of my life with this man. Isn't it weird?
I don't feel like doing anything today. It is just one of those days. My feet have been swelling alot lately. Even when I am not standing on them. Last night my ankles were so big, it looked as if I just had fins. That was weird.
Hey, maybe I should dedicate this blog to all things weird.
I had this dream last night. I dreamed that I found out that the baby wasn't mine. Or Hubby's. And I was still pregnant with it. It made me angry. And it was weird.
My hair is so curly this morning. I had to sleep with it wet. It always curls into a near-Fro when I do that. And it looks weird.
The first "r" in February isn't pronounced. Yet we still include it in the spelling of the word. That is weird.
I have one more week now before I go to the doctor. When I go to the doctor I will be past the 36 week mark. That means that I will be a mommy soon - for real. That is weird.
I wonder if my belly feels like a water bed. Wouldn't that be weird?
I dreamed that I was going back to school after the baby was born - high school. And I was going to be a cheerleader. And I was in art class, but I wasted all of my time trying to help this guy work on his charcoal picture. The teacher told us we could draw on anything. So, I drew my picture on the side of a coke bottle. It looked really cool. It was of a deserted city - except for two people in the fore ground. Then the teacher and I got into a yelling match. She told me that I could be something if I would just keep at it. So I missed all of my other classes so that I could draw a picture. Except I was thinking too much about technique. It wasn't until I just let go of technique and closed me eyes, that the picture came together. It was as if I were looking too much at the individual lines before, but when I closed my eyes, my hand took over and my brain only saw the finished effect. It makes me want to draw today. But, I can't find my charcoal pencil set. Somewhere in the house... Do you think that the dream has any meaning? I'm a big one for trying to find meaning in dreams.
Oh, yeah - and when I closed my eyes it was as if I could not see if I were messing up. I remember thinking that in my dreams. And it helped me to succeed at the picture. Weird, huh?
Chicken salad in a philo dough shell is really pretty, easy, and good. Garnish the plate with tomato slices and sprinkle paprika on the entire plate - very sparingly, of course. A masterpiece!
I want to have a mocktail party. I am becoming obsessed with the idea. It all started yesterday when I kept finding really good appetizer recipes. I really want to make crab canapes. And baked brie with a nut crust and raspberry top. And I want to wear a little black dress. And I want to have low, jazzy music playing in the background. And I want my house to be spottlessly clean - with everything in place and candles lit everywhere. And I want to be hurrying around - but not looking as if I were in a hurry. I want to wear high heels and an apron. I want all of my guests to think that it is the most relaxing, elegant event that they have been to in a private home. And I want to make up mixed drinks in a shaker, so that my jewelry rattles - kind of like in the old movies. (Only no alcohol in the drinks...) And I want to have my ankles well-defined and my waist well-defined again... And I want to send out formal invitations to my party to a select number of guests. And I want my kitchen to look spottless the whole time that I am cooking for my guests. And I want Hubby to walk behind me and put his hands on my waist (I will have one again) and kiss my hair while I wash dishes. I want to feel as if I have been a perfect hostess and a good wife - allowing him and his friends to have a memorable time in his own home. And I want him to keep me company in the kitchen while I clean up the pretty glass dishes and cups. Sort of like how he did at the party that I and Old Roomie threw when I moved into the rip-off-payed-way-too-much apartment over the church.
That was the first time that I knew that I was in love with him. I tried to tell myself that wasn't what it was. But I knew. As cheesy as it sounds - we were washing dishes. But really, I knew then that he was the "one." I remember how peaceful it seemed in that kitchen (can you call it that?) with him while the rest of the party seemed chaotic. I remember what it felt like to stand close to him like that while we worked. I remember how I felt taken care of and protected from the noise. It scared me a little. I had thought that I would never fall in love. I only wanted to date for fun. I did not want to be serious until I had finished school, become really self-reliant and prosperous. And I absolutely didn't believe that people could fall in love - for real - that soon. It just goes to show that I don't - or didn't - know much about love. I still feel like that kid who can solve the calculus problem, but never quite understands how to tell someone else how he did it. So many questions. I don't think you can love more than one person like that in a lifetime...I've been told that I am wrong. I don't know. Does it matter? I don't know that either. All I know is that I am perfectly happy spending the rest of my life with this man. Isn't it weird?
24 May, 2006
Just Another Day...
This is one of those mornings that I didn't wake up in time to make breakfast for Hubby. So - I just slept. I slept until about 11am. So this is morning for me. I like blogging in the morning. Sometimes I think that my blogs are much more random at night - I am much more random at night - but I like the way it feels to blog in the morning.
Last night I had some really, really good food. Wow, can my future-cuz-in-law cook! Yum!
My parents came over and painted the nursery last night while I was gone. They didn't want me to smell the paint fumes. But they also cleaned my kitchen for me. I had some dishes in the sink - gasp! yes it was unfortunately so..- and they washed them. And they mopped my floors. I really feel that I have the best parents in the world. God has blessed me so much by the people that he has put in my life. My parents are supportive, wonderful Christian role-models. My husband is a loving, wonderful Christian man. And the friends that I have are the best. And now, I am going to have a wonderful baby boy. Sometimes I don't know why I have found so much favor in God's sight.
I really want to rejoice in the Lord today. It just seems that with everything going on - all of the stresses of life and the coping with change - I have forgotten how to rejoice. I just want to be fully cognizant all day of how wonderful God is. I just want to praise Him. I talked to Him this week,and I realized something. Even though I have been talking to Him, I have not been saying anything. I want to have a long, in-depth, heart-to-heart with God. I want to come away feeling refreshed, and close to Him. I want to listen. I want to hear His Voice. I want to be hugged by the Spirit. God, reveal Yourself to me - even though I am dust and don't deserve it. Make me more pleasing to You.
Life can be so complicated sometimes. It's funny how everything always works out - and we are so helpless as to the outcome.
I want background music today. You know, kind of like a cartoon character. I don't know what song I want as my background music today. I thought about some Rooney, or some Grateful Dead, or some Lynyrd Skynyrd. Last night I had "The Commisar's In Town" stuck in my head.
"Don't look around. Uh, oh. The commisar's in town. Uh, oh...."
I have this woman who is very distantly kin to my mother's family who had put out a request for information on that family line. I have done alot of digging for information about that family's geneaology, so I decided to email her some info. (And by research, I don't mean on the internet. Just for FYI, internet sites are mostly inaccurate in their information - and expensive.) I knew exactly how she was kin (sort of kin) to us. Now she is driving me cuckoo. One of my ancestors - her great-great grandmother's neice - wrote a book. I have been looking for a copy of this book for years. I told her about it. Don't ask me why. She writes me an email saying that she found a copy. Okay, whatever. Then she sends me another email saying that she is finding a copy for her cousin - who is not at all related to the author - just so he can have a copy. Urgh! Then she sends me an email telling me that she is going to buy every copy available, and if she gets enough copies - she'll maybe help me find one. I want to punch her in the face. I have told her how she is linked to my mother's family about 12 times - and she still doesn't comprehend the connection. She keeps asking me about the other side of the family - that I am not kin to. I think she must live either up North or in the mid-West. Which is just weird. But it means that she is not at all apart of this culture. I can tell that by the way she feels that she is kin to everyone. That is a very Northern trait. After second cousins, you really aren't kin anymore. (Thank God!) Get over it. The thing is, the book isn't even that great. What is great about it is that it hides some of the family stories that I grew up hearing within the fictional plot of the book. So, she won't even really appreciate it. And her cousin definetly won't. I can't stand overbearing women. Sometimes I can totally see why Paul said they should keep their mouths shut in church - I would have just added everyother public place as well...
Hey! I think the Beatles would make great theme music!
Last night I had some really, really good food. Wow, can my future-cuz-in-law cook! Yum!
My parents came over and painted the nursery last night while I was gone. They didn't want me to smell the paint fumes. But they also cleaned my kitchen for me. I had some dishes in the sink - gasp! yes it was unfortunately so..- and they washed them. And they mopped my floors. I really feel that I have the best parents in the world. God has blessed me so much by the people that he has put in my life. My parents are supportive, wonderful Christian role-models. My husband is a loving, wonderful Christian man. And the friends that I have are the best. And now, I am going to have a wonderful baby boy. Sometimes I don't know why I have found so much favor in God's sight.
I really want to rejoice in the Lord today. It just seems that with everything going on - all of the stresses of life and the coping with change - I have forgotten how to rejoice. I just want to be fully cognizant all day of how wonderful God is. I just want to praise Him. I talked to Him this week,and I realized something. Even though I have been talking to Him, I have not been saying anything. I want to have a long, in-depth, heart-to-heart with God. I want to come away feeling refreshed, and close to Him. I want to listen. I want to hear His Voice. I want to be hugged by the Spirit. God, reveal Yourself to me - even though I am dust and don't deserve it. Make me more pleasing to You.
Life can be so complicated sometimes. It's funny how everything always works out - and we are so helpless as to the outcome.
I want background music today. You know, kind of like a cartoon character. I don't know what song I want as my background music today. I thought about some Rooney, or some Grateful Dead, or some Lynyrd Skynyrd. Last night I had "The Commisar's In Town" stuck in my head.
"Don't look around. Uh, oh. The commisar's in town. Uh, oh...."
I have this woman who is very distantly kin to my mother's family who had put out a request for information on that family line. I have done alot of digging for information about that family's geneaology, so I decided to email her some info. (And by research, I don't mean on the internet. Just for FYI, internet sites are mostly inaccurate in their information - and expensive.) I knew exactly how she was kin (sort of kin) to us. Now she is driving me cuckoo. One of my ancestors - her great-great grandmother's neice - wrote a book. I have been looking for a copy of this book for years. I told her about it. Don't ask me why. She writes me an email saying that she found a copy. Okay, whatever. Then she sends me another email saying that she is finding a copy for her cousin - who is not at all related to the author - just so he can have a copy. Urgh! Then she sends me an email telling me that she is going to buy every copy available, and if she gets enough copies - she'll maybe help me find one. I want to punch her in the face. I have told her how she is linked to my mother's family about 12 times - and she still doesn't comprehend the connection. She keeps asking me about the other side of the family - that I am not kin to. I think she must live either up North or in the mid-West. Which is just weird. But it means that she is not at all apart of this culture. I can tell that by the way she feels that she is kin to everyone. That is a very Northern trait. After second cousins, you really aren't kin anymore. (Thank God!) Get over it. The thing is, the book isn't even that great. What is great about it is that it hides some of the family stories that I grew up hearing within the fictional plot of the book. So, she won't even really appreciate it. And her cousin definetly won't. I can't stand overbearing women. Sometimes I can totally see why Paul said they should keep their mouths shut in church - I would have just added everyother public place as well...
Hey! I think the Beatles would make great theme music!
Just Another Day...
This is one of those mornings that I didn't wake up in time to make breakfast for Hubby. So - I just slept. I slept until about 11am. So this is morning for me. I like blogging in the morning. Sometimes I think that my blogs are much more random at night - I am much more random at night - but I like the way it feels to blog in the morning.
Last night I had some really, really good food. Wow, can my future-cuz-in-law cook! Yum!
My parents came over and painted the nursery last night while I was gone. They didn't want me to smell the paint fumes. But they also cleaned my kitchen for me. I had some dishes in the sink - gasp! yes it was unfortunately so..- and they washed them. And they mopped my floors. I really feel that I have the best parents in the world. God has blessed me so much by the people that he has put in my life. My parents are supportive, wonderful Christian role-models. My husband is a loving, wonderful Christian man. And the friends that I have are the best. And now, I am going to have a wonderful baby boy. Sometimes I don't know why I have found so much favor in God's sight.
I really want to rejoice in the Lord today. It just seems that with everything going on - all of the stresses of life and the coping with change - I have forgotten how to rejoice. I just want to be fully cognizant all day of how wonderful God is. I just want to praise Him. I talked to Him this week,and I realized something. Even though I have been talking to Him, I have not been saying anything. I want to have a long, in-depth, heart-to-heart with God. I want to come away feeling refreshed, and close to Him. I want to listen. I want to hear His Voice. I want to be hugged by the Spirit. God, reveal Yourself to me - even though I am dust and don't deserve it. Make me more pleasing to You.
Life can be so complicated sometimes. It's funny how everything always works out - and we are so helpless as to the outcome.
I want background music today. You know, kind of like a cartoon character. I don't know what song I want as my background music today. I thought about some Rooney, or some Grateful Dead, or some Lynyrd Skynyrd. Last night I had "The Commisar's In Town" stuck in my head.
"Don't look around. Uh, oh. The commisar's in town. Uh, oh...."
I have this woman who is very distantly kin to my mother's family who had put out a request for information on that family line. I have done alot of digging for information about that family's geneaology, so I decided to email her some info. (And by research, I don't mean on the internet. Just for FYI, internet sites are mostly inaccurate in their information - and expensive.) I knew exactly how she was kin (sort of kin) to us. Now she is driving me cuckoo. One of my ancestors - her great-great grandmother's neice - wrote a book. I have been looking for a copy of this book for years. I told her about it. Don't ask me why. She writes me an email saying that she found a copy. Okay, whatever. Then she sends me another email saying that she is finding a copy for her cousin - who is not at all related to the author - just so he can have a copy. Urgh! Then she sends me an email telling me that she is going to buy every copy available, and if she gets enough copies - she'll maybe help me find one. I want to punch her in the face. I have told her how she is linked to my mother's family about 12 times - and she still doesn't comprehend the connection. She keeps asking me about the other side of the family - that I am not kin to. I think she must live either up North or in the mid-West. Which is just weird. But it means that she is not at all apart of this culture. I can tell that by the way she feels that she is kin to everyone. That is a very Northern trait. After second cousins, you really aren't kin anymore. (Thank God!) Get over it. The thing is, the book isn't even that great. What is great about it is that it hides some of the family stories that I grew up hearing within the fictional plot of the book. So, she won't even really appreciate it. And her cousin definetly won't. I can't stand overbearing women. Sometimes I can totally see why Paul said they should keep their mouths shut in church - I would have just added everyother public place as well...
Hey! I think the Beatles would make great theme music!
Last night I had some really, really good food. Wow, can my future-cuz-in-law cook! Yum!
My parents came over and painted the nursery last night while I was gone. They didn't want me to smell the paint fumes. But they also cleaned my kitchen for me. I had some dishes in the sink - gasp! yes it was unfortunately so..- and they washed them. And they mopped my floors. I really feel that I have the best parents in the world. God has blessed me so much by the people that he has put in my life. My parents are supportive, wonderful Christian role-models. My husband is a loving, wonderful Christian man. And the friends that I have are the best. And now, I am going to have a wonderful baby boy. Sometimes I don't know why I have found so much favor in God's sight.
I really want to rejoice in the Lord today. It just seems that with everything going on - all of the stresses of life and the coping with change - I have forgotten how to rejoice. I just want to be fully cognizant all day of how wonderful God is. I just want to praise Him. I talked to Him this week,and I realized something. Even though I have been talking to Him, I have not been saying anything. I want to have a long, in-depth, heart-to-heart with God. I want to come away feeling refreshed, and close to Him. I want to listen. I want to hear His Voice. I want to be hugged by the Spirit. God, reveal Yourself to me - even though I am dust and don't deserve it. Make me more pleasing to You.
Life can be so complicated sometimes. It's funny how everything always works out - and we are so helpless as to the outcome.
I want background music today. You know, kind of like a cartoon character. I don't know what song I want as my background music today. I thought about some Rooney, or some Grateful Dead, or some Lynyrd Skynyrd. Last night I had "The Commisar's In Town" stuck in my head.
"Don't look around. Uh, oh. The commisar's in town. Uh, oh...."
I have this woman who is very distantly kin to my mother's family who had put out a request for information on that family line. I have done alot of digging for information about that family's geneaology, so I decided to email her some info. (And by research, I don't mean on the internet. Just for FYI, internet sites are mostly inaccurate in their information - and expensive.) I knew exactly how she was kin (sort of kin) to us. Now she is driving me cuckoo. One of my ancestors - her great-great grandmother's neice - wrote a book. I have been looking for a copy of this book for years. I told her about it. Don't ask me why. She writes me an email saying that she found a copy. Okay, whatever. Then she sends me another email saying that she is finding a copy for her cousin - who is not at all related to the author - just so he can have a copy. Urgh! Then she sends me an email telling me that she is going to buy every copy available, and if she gets enough copies - she'll maybe help me find one. I want to punch her in the face. I have told her how she is linked to my mother's family about 12 times - and she still doesn't comprehend the connection. She keeps asking me about the other side of the family - that I am not kin to. I think she must live either up North or in the mid-West. Which is just weird. But it means that she is not at all apart of this culture. I can tell that by the way she feels that she is kin to everyone. That is a very Northern trait. After second cousins, you really aren't kin anymore. (Thank God!) Get over it. The thing is, the book isn't even that great. What is great about it is that it hides some of the family stories that I grew up hearing within the fictional plot of the book. So, she won't even really appreciate it. And her cousin definetly won't. I can't stand overbearing women. Sometimes I can totally see why Paul said they should keep their mouths shut in church - I would have just added everyother public place as well...
Hey! I think the Beatles would make great theme music!
23 May, 2006
Okay, so just when I think that the urge to blog has diminished - POW! It's back. I feel that I must stop and blog this morning.
Want to know something strange? I woke up this morning before 8am. Normally I wake up at 11:30 and drag myself out of bed. I am not a morning person and lately, a cute little parasite has been draining all of my energy. Not this morning. All I want to do is clean, clean, clean...Weird, huh? Maybe Hubby's prayers for a clean study have been answered. It has been really slow going on that project lately. I unpack one box and am suddenly unable to move. Hopefully today I will be able to git 'er done. So, I am using my blogging to schedule my day.
Mrs.Phreedom's Day: ----- :)
1.clean breakfast dishes (I cooked Hubby breakfast this morning.)
2.clean study
3.mop kitchen floor
4.wash clothes
5.dust downstairs
6.vacuum downstairs (maybe clean carpets again)
7.paint mirror for dining room
8.go to grocery store
9.make bed with clean sheets
10.dust and vacuum bedroom (always in that order)
11.go spoil Lance and Gwen and work on tan (provided that the sun cooperates)
I had sugar-free hot chocolate this morning. Yum.
I would really, really like to get my wedding dress out of my car. It has been there since the move. I need to find a place where I know that it will not be smooshed. It needs to be in good condition to wear to Peanut's wedding. (Have you ever seen "Monster-In-Law?")
Isn't "smooshed" a fun word to say? So much onomatapeia. (Did I spell that correctly? Probably not. But that is another fun word to say.) More fun words to say - precocious, umbrage, yeehaw, sugar, declare, yeehaw whimididdle, quintessential, butter, baby... Fun phrases are - "that there yeller dog," "hold up a minute," "it wasn't loaded," "you gonna eat that," "how come," "I declare," "jumpin' Jehosaphat," "go back up North where you belong"....
I would like to unlock my inner-dancing-diva. Wouldn't you like to see that? I learned one of the dance routines from "Chicago" once upon a jazz class. And - I have the soundtrack to the movie. I wonder what the neighbors would think....
Why are some little kids so bad? I hope that Peanut is an angel like his mommy. Hubby was explaining something to me today - I forget what because I only remember his example - oh, yeah, it was about puppies. He was telling me about how little kids hit each other because they don't really believe that it will hurt the person that they are hitting. I say "bull malarky." When I hit my little brother I wanted it to hurt. The only thing I was thinking about was if Mama could see us. And she always could. My mother must have been born with eyes in the back of her head. She would have made a great spy. No matter how far away from us she was, she always knew just what was up. You can't sneak anything past that little lady. And my brother and I were sneaky little kids...
I would like to break dance in the middle of the floor to the worst '80s music that I could find. Hey, Doc - if you are reading this - how about having break-dancing at the reception? Wouldn't that be awesome?!!!!!I wish that I would have thought about it last August when I got married. Hubby and I could have had our first dance as a break dance. Wow. That would have been so cool!!!!
Want to know something strange? I woke up this morning before 8am. Normally I wake up at 11:30 and drag myself out of bed. I am not a morning person and lately, a cute little parasite has been draining all of my energy. Not this morning. All I want to do is clean, clean, clean...Weird, huh? Maybe Hubby's prayers for a clean study have been answered. It has been really slow going on that project lately. I unpack one box and am suddenly unable to move. Hopefully today I will be able to git 'er done. So, I am using my blogging to schedule my day.
Mrs.Phreedom's Day: ----- :)
1.clean breakfast dishes (I cooked Hubby breakfast this morning.)
2.clean study
3.mop kitchen floor
4.wash clothes
5.dust downstairs
6.vacuum downstairs (maybe clean carpets again)
7.paint mirror for dining room
8.go to grocery store
9.make bed with clean sheets
10.dust and vacuum bedroom (always in that order)
11.go spoil Lance and Gwen and work on tan (provided that the sun cooperates)
I had sugar-free hot chocolate this morning. Yum.
I would really, really like to get my wedding dress out of my car. It has been there since the move. I need to find a place where I know that it will not be smooshed. It needs to be in good condition to wear to Peanut's wedding. (Have you ever seen "Monster-In-Law?")
Isn't "smooshed" a fun word to say? So much onomatapeia. (Did I spell that correctly? Probably not. But that is another fun word to say.) More fun words to say - precocious, umbrage, yeehaw, sugar, declare, yeehaw whimididdle, quintessential, butter, baby... Fun phrases are - "that there yeller dog," "hold up a minute," "it wasn't loaded," "you gonna eat that," "how come," "I declare," "jumpin' Jehosaphat," "go back up North where you belong"....
I would like to unlock my inner-dancing-diva. Wouldn't you like to see that? I learned one of the dance routines from "Chicago" once upon a jazz class. And - I have the soundtrack to the movie. I wonder what the neighbors would think....
Why are some little kids so bad? I hope that Peanut is an angel like his mommy. Hubby was explaining something to me today - I forget what because I only remember his example - oh, yeah, it was about puppies. He was telling me about how little kids hit each other because they don't really believe that it will hurt the person that they are hitting. I say "bull malarky." When I hit my little brother I wanted it to hurt. The only thing I was thinking about was if Mama could see us. And she always could. My mother must have been born with eyes in the back of her head. She would have made a great spy. No matter how far away from us she was, she always knew just what was up. You can't sneak anything past that little lady. And my brother and I were sneaky little kids...
I would like to break dance in the middle of the floor to the worst '80s music that I could find. Hey, Doc - if you are reading this - how about having break-dancing at the reception? Wouldn't that be awesome?!!!!!I wish that I would have thought about it last August when I got married. Hubby and I could have had our first dance as a break dance. Wow. That would have been so cool!!!!
22 May, 2006
There are only a few ways in which a cup of milk may be made enjoyable - without becoming an addition to something which in no way resembles milk. Two of my favorite ways in which to enjoy milk is 1) with a large, rich piece of chocolate cake, hot from the oven, or 2) with a bowl of sugary sweet cereal. Because both of those things involve a large measure of carbs, they are out of the question for me for the next month. Cookies and milk are also another really good combination. Does anyone know of any cookies where you may eat half the package and still consume fewer than 10 grams of carbohydrates?
I am very, very sleepy...Energy is only short-lived with me right now. Motion is difficult to attain...
Apples and peanut butter make a very good snack. I wish that Hubby enjoyed crunchy peanut butter. I feel as if I were eating peanut butter-flavored lard when I eat the creamy kind.
I was told that I could possibly be eating German food tomorrow night. Yum! However, I think that I would never want to visit Germany. Too much neckedness. I have a neckedness phobia. But the food is awesome!!!
I miss wearing pretty clothes. I miss shopping. (That will probably last for a great long while - unless I win the lottery soon. But you have to play to win.)
If it must be cloudy in the afternoons, I want a good storm. With lots and lots of lightening and thunder and wind...I love strong winds...
I wish that I could speak a foreign language. Isn't it funny that in order to be thought of as "highly educated" a hundred or more years ago, you had to speak another language fluently. Alot of educated people spoke several languages fluently. And that was before the times of easy travel. I guess that it took a couple of world wars in order for American people to think that it was not necessary to speak other languages.
I bet cheddar cheese and peanut butter would be great together.
Grace Kelly was a gorgeous woman. Not only in her looks. She even acted "gorgeously." So graceful...
Yum. Strawberries and peanut butter...
I have decided that the baby should be born at week 37. At that point, his lungs are fully developed. He is full-term then - and I am ready...Right now, I am about 34 or 35 weeks.
Why doesn't Hubby like daffodils? I love them. They are so pretty...
I am very, very sleepy...Energy is only short-lived with me right now. Motion is difficult to attain...
Apples and peanut butter make a very good snack. I wish that Hubby enjoyed crunchy peanut butter. I feel as if I were eating peanut butter-flavored lard when I eat the creamy kind.
I was told that I could possibly be eating German food tomorrow night. Yum! However, I think that I would never want to visit Germany. Too much neckedness. I have a neckedness phobia. But the food is awesome!!!
I miss wearing pretty clothes. I miss shopping. (That will probably last for a great long while - unless I win the lottery soon. But you have to play to win.)
If it must be cloudy in the afternoons, I want a good storm. With lots and lots of lightening and thunder and wind...I love strong winds...
I wish that I could speak a foreign language. Isn't it funny that in order to be thought of as "highly educated" a hundred or more years ago, you had to speak another language fluently. Alot of educated people spoke several languages fluently. And that was before the times of easy travel. I guess that it took a couple of world wars in order for American people to think that it was not necessary to speak other languages.
I bet cheddar cheese and peanut butter would be great together.
Grace Kelly was a gorgeous woman. Not only in her looks. She even acted "gorgeously." So graceful...
Yum. Strawberries and peanut butter...
I have decided that the baby should be born at week 37. At that point, his lungs are fully developed. He is full-term then - and I am ready...Right now, I am about 34 or 35 weeks.
Why doesn't Hubby like daffodils? I love them. They are so pretty...
21 May, 2006
I didn't think that it would happen this way. I never imagined that the feeling would be lost so fast. I thought that it would grow and grow and grow... But it hasn't grown. In fact, it has died away. And now I don't know how to go on. I don't want to say "goodbye", but I can't continue like this. Therefore, I must only blog every once and awhile. The days of the two-or-more-blogs-per-day are over. I just don't want to blog like I used to.
However, the blogs will continue. I just can't say "it's over." So, don't be impatient - you lovers of self-torture - the blogs will continue....
However, the blogs will continue. I just can't say "it's over." So, don't be impatient - you lovers of self-torture - the blogs will continue....
18 May, 2006
Do you see any resemblance between these two people? I don't. Probably because I refuse to. I will always remember Colin Farrell as I knew him in the Recruit and in SWAT- where he was running on the beach. Wow. (That was before Hubby.)
I will be glad when Hubby recovers from his pneumonia. The cough syrup he takes makes him act funny. Really. It's a little disconcerting.
I am feeling strapped to the house. And I don't know if I really mind it. Okay, I do. But when I think about going off, I suddenly realize that I don't have a figure and I waddle walk. Right now the only place that I really want to go is to the pool or to the hospital. Come on, baby. It's time for you to get out of there!
I am reading the book of Romans right now. It is really, really deep. Really. I like what it has to say (it's the Bible - of course I like what it says) about the law. The law isn't there to make you feel like a good person just because you don't do certain things. The law is there to condemn you. You only find righteousness through Jesus Christ - not in obeying the law. Cool, huh?
If this were a perfect world, I would be wearing a strapless pink seersucker dress with a big, full skirt (and a white eyelet under skirt that helps the dress stand out a little) and pink strappy, 4-inch heels that tie around the ankle with a pink bow. And I would have my baby. And I would have a poodle. And my hair would be long and curly again. And I would be eating Papa's fried chicken. And I would wear a size two again with the tiniest waist imaginable. And I would be eating strawberry cheesecake icecream in a chocolate covered waffle cone. And I would have a big, feminine, noisy bracelet. And I would have a pink bow in my hair. And I would have a pink rose in my hair. And I would be swinging - with flowers and magnolia trees surrounding me. And I would be a proud citizen of the Confederate States of America.
I like going for walks where I live. I can't wait to run again.
I wish that I could win the lottery.
Pink is the bestest color in the world. I wish that I could wear pink every day. And that I could be surrounded with pink roses and white magnolias and gardenias.
Why don't people dress up anymore? I, too, have fallen prey to the blue-jeans-and-t-shirt trend. Why don't more ladies wear big, full skirts and high heels? They are just as comfortable as jeans. (Maybe because I wear heels with jeans...)
My belly is huge. I told Mama today that I hoped that it wouldn't get any bigger. It feels as if it were going to burst now. I think that after this is over, I will be able to eat alot of food with no discomfort. Wow. Bring on the pie-eating contests...
I am about 34 weeks now. I am ready to have the baby. Six more weeks until my due date. Two more weeks until I am full-term. Peanut, you better be early. I don't know if I can make it until July. I didn't count on the last part being so hard. Most of the time I just feel completely tired, a little nauseated, overly obsessed with cleaning, and really ready to hold the baby...
I miss some of my friends. I haven't really had time to call anyone. It's sad. Life is too short for this. I need to get out of the house with my crazy Indian friends. I need to go to where bizarre and hilarious things are the rule of the day...I need to go shopping with some girlfriends. I need to go for a ride through the country and look for ghosts at old churches...
Keeping myself occupied while Hubby studies is getting old. I have cleaned everything that I am physically able to clean for right now. I have also caught up on all the celebrity gossip possible. (Did you know about Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton? They have been fighting - again...) I think that now I will go read Fitzgerald's This Side of Paradise.
16 May, 2006
The Life of a Housewife...
The life of a housewife is not easy. I have just finished ironing Hubby's shirts. It took me about an hour and a half. I still need to dust, vacuum, mop, scub...The list goes on forever. Oh, yeah - and I'm cooking supper tonight. Thank goodness I cleaned the living room carpet yesterday.
It's not that I don't enjoy it. In fact, despite being tired all of the time, I really do get a sense of satisfaction out of cleaning. I never really think that my house is as clean as it should or could be, but cleaning in and of itself is actually fun.
Ooooh. I almost forgot that I still have to grocery shop today. There is no milk or stuff for lunches in the house. I hate grocery shopping - and ironing. Those are the two things that I abhor the most. The rest actually - yeah,I'll say it again - is fun.
Did you know that the average housewife - were she to receive a monetary payment for her services- would make over $130,000? At first it shocked me. Then I thought about everything that a housewife does - laundry, house cleaning, child rearing, cooking, gardening... Yep. That's about right.
Have you heard about the "mommy wars?" I think that it is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard of. I read on CNN.com that there is apparently a "war" going on between mothers who stay-at-home and mothers who work. Isn't that weird? I have always thought that that is a personal decision that should be up to the individual woman. I can't say that I haven't encountered subcurrents of the sentiments born in this conflict. It is always a awkward thing for me to tell people that I plan to not work in favor of taking care of my child. Most men think that it's great. Most women - with the exception of most of my friends and family - just sort of look at me and say "oh." That's it. I think that they suddenly get this picture of me sitting back in my fuzzy robe and slippers on the couch eating bonbons and Doritos while watching Oprah - if I wake up in time to watch Oprah. Honestly, I think that would suck. Or maybe they see me as one of those yuppie soccer-mom stay-at-home wives who's goal is to be thinner than their 13-year-old daughter. Then I would be "jetting" off to aerobics every morning with my make-up perfect and my yuppie work out clothes all matching. After that I would meet other yuppie women for lunch and manicures while my child was in pre-school. Of course, I would pick him up in my mini-van- because a car just isn't big enough for three people. Then I would take him to McDonalds for supper before heading to soccer practice. At soccer practice I would dish gossip with the other moms and complain about rising gas prices...Give me a break!
Instead...I am the barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen wife ironing her husband's clothes and singing popular songs from the 1890s to my little boy, who - ha,ha,ha- can hear me but can't get away and can't tell me how much I can't sing... Oh, yeah, and when I finish that I take a moment to blog (making me a geeky housewife) in order to inform the world that I am tired and I know how to procrastinate.
I still think that CNN was short for news that week.
All right - my 15 minute break is definitely over. Now I must go to the grocery store. I am making chicken Francaise, citrus salad, and - maybe - panna cotta di casa for dinner tonight. Wish me luck.
14 May, 2006
My First Mommy's Day
Today was my first mother's day. It was wonderful. I went to my mommy's house this morning for breakfast. Then my little bro and I and the two puppies fell asleep for about 4 hours watching Hogan's Heroes while Hubby went to class. Then my mom beat me at two games of Chinese Checkers. (She was definitely cheating...)
Hubby came home and I got my mommy's day present. Somehow, I knew what he would do. I love him so much. He got me a year long membership to the zoo. So, we went out to the zoo and walked around the botanical gardens today. It was awesome.
So...after that we went out to dinner. We tried to go to about two or three different restaurants. Oh, my goodness! All the yuppies and brats that were out today!!!! It was a little scary. The wait times were outrageous. We finally went to a well-known Italian restaurant where I could get my calamari. (I love that stuff...) We sat across from the laziest hospital pharmacy technician to ever mix up an IV bag. Her children were absolute brats. Knock on wood - my little boy will know how to behave in public. I had to do some quick remembering of the cute well-behaved little boys that I have known in order to not freak out about what laid instore in my future. (I have two little cousins - one is 6 and one is 2 - who are absolute angels. They actually sit in a chair and eat like civilized little human beings. They say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." They listen to adults...Can you imagine? When the oldest little boy was about 3 - I think - he went to the store and cried for some flowers so that he could take them home and give them to his mommy. Isn't that the sweetest thing?)
Then we came home - after stopping to look at the sunset over the lake. I got to talk to one of my really good friends. Now, I am going to watch a movie with Hubby. "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance" - no less. That is one of my favorite movies!!!!
Right now, however, I am just sitting here - relaxing, stuffed full of calamari and breadsticks, and thinking of how my life is changing radically... I am a mommy. I am somebody's mommy. Isn't that weird? I think that I just realized this week that my mommy wasn't always a mommy. That is also kind of weird to think about. She didn't always know how to say the perfect thing or ignore gross stuff - like her vomiting little girl running to her to be held... She wasn't always thinking of two kids before she could think of herself. She just sort of fell into it on June 8th (I feel old - let's not mention the year...). Sort of like I will sometime around July 1st, 2006. All I know is that I hope that I am one-tenth as good of a mother as she is. I am truly blessed by God to have such a wonderful woman as my mother. I have always known this - on some level. Now, I truly, truly know it. And I am sure that I will become even more sure of this when I hold my baby boy. Pregnancy does surely bring a girl even closer to her mother - even when I didn't think that it was possible to do. I love my mommy - what can I say?
We found a black kitten on our doorstep. I want him. Hubby said "no." He is mean. He also has a nasty cough. He has to go to the doctor this week.
Hubby came home and I got my mommy's day present. Somehow, I knew what he would do. I love him so much. He got me a year long membership to the zoo. So, we went out to the zoo and walked around the botanical gardens today. It was awesome.
So...after that we went out to dinner. We tried to go to about two or three different restaurants. Oh, my goodness! All the yuppies and brats that were out today!!!! It was a little scary. The wait times were outrageous. We finally went to a well-known Italian restaurant where I could get my calamari. (I love that stuff...) We sat across from the laziest hospital pharmacy technician to ever mix up an IV bag. Her children were absolute brats. Knock on wood - my little boy will know how to behave in public. I had to do some quick remembering of the cute well-behaved little boys that I have known in order to not freak out about what laid instore in my future. (I have two little cousins - one is 6 and one is 2 - who are absolute angels. They actually sit in a chair and eat like civilized little human beings. They say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." They listen to adults...Can you imagine? When the oldest little boy was about 3 - I think - he went to the store and cried for some flowers so that he could take them home and give them to his mommy. Isn't that the sweetest thing?)
Then we came home - after stopping to look at the sunset over the lake. I got to talk to one of my really good friends. Now, I am going to watch a movie with Hubby. "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance" - no less. That is one of my favorite movies!!!!
Right now, however, I am just sitting here - relaxing, stuffed full of calamari and breadsticks, and thinking of how my life is changing radically... I am a mommy. I am somebody's mommy. Isn't that weird? I think that I just realized this week that my mommy wasn't always a mommy. That is also kind of weird to think about. She didn't always know how to say the perfect thing or ignore gross stuff - like her vomiting little girl running to her to be held... She wasn't always thinking of two kids before she could think of herself. She just sort of fell into it on June 8th (I feel old - let's not mention the year...). Sort of like I will sometime around July 1st, 2006. All I know is that I hope that I am one-tenth as good of a mother as she is. I am truly blessed by God to have such a wonderful woman as my mother. I have always known this - on some level. Now, I truly, truly know it. And I am sure that I will become even more sure of this when I hold my baby boy. Pregnancy does surely bring a girl even closer to her mother - even when I didn't think that it was possible to do. I love my mommy - what can I say?
We found a black kitten on our doorstep. I want him. Hubby said "no." He is mean. He also has a nasty cough. He has to go to the doctor this week.
06 May, 2006
05 May, 2006
Graduation Day...
Life is definitely changing...
Hubby graduated from law school today. I stood in the crowd with his family and my parents - just watching him. His baby was moving in my belly. My cousin was there - she only has one more year of medical school - watching her brand-new fiance graduate, too. (By the way, congratulations! I am soooo happy for y'all.)
Two years ago, I would have laughed - or freaked out - if anyone had told me this is how my life would be now. Two years ago, this time, I was in a crummy, awful, miserable relationship with someone who constantly stomped on my self-esteem. Two years ago I was stuck in a career path that I hated, but didn't have the courage to break away from. Two years ago I thought that my chances of ever being married and having a son would be near to zero. Two years ago I thought that if I could ever break-away from my home town, I would never look back. Two years ago, my last name was different - and I thought it would never change. Two years ago was a long time ago...
As I sat there watching my husband complete a major accomplishment in his life, a wave of emotions washed over me. Sometimes I forget how briefly I've known him. It just feels as if he's always been there. I can't imagine life without him. It hit me today, that for the first year and a half of law school, he and I did not even know each other. (Oh, we had met...He was a jerk at our first meeting and didn't find me attractive one little bit...) When he started out on this, I am sure that he would never have dreamed that he would be a husband and almost-father at the end. I just felt greatful. Greatful that God did know all of that. Greatful to be this man's wife. Greatful to be carrying his child.
And I thought about how I will not be graduating. And I thought about how hard I have worked - how close I have come to a degree...twice...But I felt as if I had walked across the stage with Hubby today. (Be that as unfair as that may sound.) I know that this is where God wants me. I have asked Him and asked Him - why pharmacy? I hated it. I hated it the first day of classes in pharmacy school. I was miserable - until I finally got the courage to walk away from such a lucrative profession. Now I am two classes away from a 4-year history degree. (Wow, let's jump up and down for that one, the cynic in me screams...) But it may as well be a million more classes. I have a son to take care of now. I can't just leave him to go to class....But for some reason, I really believe with all that I am worth that this was part of God's plan. And so many times in my life, I have come to see that God's plan is always best for me.
Hubby and I had a picture taken with Doc and her fiance. And I thought about the irony there. When we were little girls running around our grandmothers house, or at the zoo with our moms - who would have thought that we would both marry lawyers? Lawyers who had the same classes together - and graduated together? Crazy, huh? No, not really. It's life...
I know that I may just be emotional today. It's been a long day and sometimes pregnant women get a little emotional - at least that's what they say. But, I really think that some day when I'm an old woman, pictures of today will flood my mind. I'll try to put into words for my grandchildren what this day was like. And they will listen patiently - but they won't see what I saw...They won't understand. They will have their own graduation days...their own life plans...their own memories...
Hubby graduated from law school today. I stood in the crowd with his family and my parents - just watching him. His baby was moving in my belly. My cousin was there - she only has one more year of medical school - watching her brand-new fiance graduate, too. (By the way, congratulations! I am soooo happy for y'all.)
Two years ago, I would have laughed - or freaked out - if anyone had told me this is how my life would be now. Two years ago, this time, I was in a crummy, awful, miserable relationship with someone who constantly stomped on my self-esteem. Two years ago I was stuck in a career path that I hated, but didn't have the courage to break away from. Two years ago I thought that my chances of ever being married and having a son would be near to zero. Two years ago I thought that if I could ever break-away from my home town, I would never look back. Two years ago, my last name was different - and I thought it would never change. Two years ago was a long time ago...
As I sat there watching my husband complete a major accomplishment in his life, a wave of emotions washed over me. Sometimes I forget how briefly I've known him. It just feels as if he's always been there. I can't imagine life without him. It hit me today, that for the first year and a half of law school, he and I did not even know each other. (Oh, we had met...He was a jerk at our first meeting and didn't find me attractive one little bit...) When he started out on this, I am sure that he would never have dreamed that he would be a husband and almost-father at the end. I just felt greatful. Greatful that God did know all of that. Greatful to be this man's wife. Greatful to be carrying his child.
And I thought about how I will not be graduating. And I thought about how hard I have worked - how close I have come to a degree...twice...But I felt as if I had walked across the stage with Hubby today. (Be that as unfair as that may sound.) I know that this is where God wants me. I have asked Him and asked Him - why pharmacy? I hated it. I hated it the first day of classes in pharmacy school. I was miserable - until I finally got the courage to walk away from such a lucrative profession. Now I am two classes away from a 4-year history degree. (Wow, let's jump up and down for that one, the cynic in me screams...) But it may as well be a million more classes. I have a son to take care of now. I can't just leave him to go to class....But for some reason, I really believe with all that I am worth that this was part of God's plan. And so many times in my life, I have come to see that God's plan is always best for me.
Hubby and I had a picture taken with Doc and her fiance. And I thought about the irony there. When we were little girls running around our grandmothers house, or at the zoo with our moms - who would have thought that we would both marry lawyers? Lawyers who had the same classes together - and graduated together? Crazy, huh? No, not really. It's life...
I know that I may just be emotional today. It's been a long day and sometimes pregnant women get a little emotional - at least that's what they say. But, I really think that some day when I'm an old woman, pictures of today will flood my mind. I'll try to put into words for my grandchildren what this day was like. And they will listen patiently - but they won't see what I saw...They won't understand. They will have their own graduation days...their own life plans...their own memories...
03 May, 2006
Breaking Down the Walls that Bind Me...
Wouldn't you say that someone has lost alot of weight?
It sort of makes me wonder why. Did she really think that being thinner was more beautiful? Did she go through a rough patch and think that by not eating she could gain control over at least one part of her life? (Yeah, I've been through that one before. Exercise - and lots of it - also helps give you a feeling of control.) Was it outward influences convincing her that this would add to her appeal? What was the reason?
By the way, I think that Beyonce Knowles is one of the most beautiful women in the media. She always looks gorgeous and well-put-together. Sometimes her outfits are a little more revealing than they, perhaps, should be, but I guess that's just show-biz, baby...
Ladies, let's fight back against the media's ever-present pressure to be twiggy thin. Being super-thin is not necessary to be a complete and total knockout. What most people don't take into account is the fact that a beautiful attitude and personality may cause someone to find you more attractive than a see-every-rib level of thinness.
And, ladies, let's think about this - God created our bodies. He is the one who "knit" them together. Our bodies are His temple. Our bodies should not be our obsession, however. Could you imagine our spiritual lives if we put as much concentration into prohibiting harmful thoughts from entering our minds as we do about letting fattening foods enter our bodies? Can you imagine our prayer lives if we worried about exercising our right to come before the throne of God as much as we worry about sweating away a few pounds?
Believe me - weight issues are something I constantly struggle with. I started secretly dieting when I was about 14. I have been dieting ever since - off and on. I still struggle with the fact that I will never be a "real" size 0. There was a time when I thought that a diet coke and 5 pretzels was a wonderful brunch. It was a game for me to see how little food I could eat - or how long I could go between meals. The fact of the matter is, I am coming to the realization that I have a wonderful man who thinks that I am beautiful just because I am "me." I am beginning to see that what my parents - bless their hearts, the worry that I have caused them at times - always told me is really true. What's on the inside really does make the outside of a person more beautiful.
I am not condoning laying on the couch with a 2 liter of coke and a bag of chips. Wow. In fact, I have a high level of disdain for those who think that sounds appealing. Gross! What I am saying, however, is that we should strive to be healthy. This means taking good care of the bodies that we have on this earth, but don't go crazy if your jeans are a little snug. Too many girls judge their self-worth based on a dress size. Get over it! There is more to life than that. (I am telling myself this, too.)
I was thinking about this in my own life. It is hard to break that thought pattern. You know, the voice that keeps whispering in your ear that you are looking a bit chubby compared to other girls around you - whether you really do or not... I have come to the conclusion that I can sit around and feel depressed because I have put on a few pounds, or I can get out and enjoy life. Come on, what do you think would be more fun?
I hate that all-consuming, miserable feeling that I feel when I think that I am getting really fat. It usually comes around as the result of some other stress in my life. I pray that the next time that I feel like that, God will remind me of what is really important. I know that feeling is going to come back - most likely sooner than later. But, I want to go for a walk (can't wait to be able to run again) and pray, and remember what is important. And ya know what - my dress size ain't it.
02 May, 2006
I am not in a good mood. I was asleep this afternoon - that is, until our neighbors started being loud as all heck. I hate loud, uncouth, low-class, no-account people. Alright, so maybe I don't hate them - but I dislike them a whole lot. They have been playing their radio so loudly - hip-hop gangsta style - until there is no quiet place in my whole house. Poor Hubby, he is sick and can get no rest. They have the first time to wake my little baby up with their Tom-foolery. I will get them told, I am afraid. Hell hath no fury like that of a brand new mother...
The protests yesterday make me want to vomit. Why the heck would you think that you can come into the country illegally, yet still receive government money - without adding any money back to the government yourself by way of taxes - and think that this supposed to be okay? Are you stupid?!!! I really hope that English is made our country's official language. It would be about time. I do not intend to learn a new language just to talk to a bunch of people who come to live in my country and have not the gumption to learn the spoken language here.
Wow, I really am misanthropic today. But, that is as usual. It would be best if I took a drive somewhere. Sitting in my own home - with no peace, thanks to the people renting behind me - is making me ornery.
Little Miss, Little Miss Can't Be Wrong...
No carbs...Hurry up, Peanut! Mommy's starving!!!
I hope those cigarettes going to make you cough
Hope you hear this song and it pissed you off.
I take that back I hope you're doing fine
And if I had a dollar I might give you 99...
I had a really awesome dream - about me being dressed in hoop skirts and petticoats...I was planting a vegetable garden, I think. I know that Hubby and my parents were there. And I was upset about the Yankees coming. I don't remember the rest. Oh, well, too bad.
I finally saw a reminder today that Lexington is really in the South, after all. (As opposed to being Virginia and Florida, and Myrtle Beach and Hilton Head status - geographically in the South, but definitely not Southern...) All county offices will be closed on May 10th in order to observe Confederate Memorial Day. That made me very, very happy.
I am hungry. I don't really want to eat anything, though.
Lord, teach me to love people. Even if I completely hate their actions...
I met some very distant-they-don't-count relatives. I just happened to google my mother's maiden name and found a lady who is looking for information on that family line. It appears that her great-great grandmother was the sister of my great-great grandfather. Neat, huh? I was able to share some family stories with her. She is going to give me more information, too. I think she moved out West - don't ask me why...
Don't try to act like you ain't know where we been either ...
In the club all the time..., pop off ....
G-unit...
Because you can't starve us out and you can't make us run
Cause when them ole boy raised on shotgun
We say grace and we say ma'am
If you ain't into that, we don't give a durned...
The protests yesterday make me want to vomit. Why the heck would you think that you can come into the country illegally, yet still receive government money - without adding any money back to the government yourself by way of taxes - and think that this supposed to be okay? Are you stupid?!!! I really hope that English is made our country's official language. It would be about time. I do not intend to learn a new language just to talk to a bunch of people who come to live in my country and have not the gumption to learn the spoken language here.
Wow, I really am misanthropic today. But, that is as usual. It would be best if I took a drive somewhere. Sitting in my own home - with no peace, thanks to the people renting behind me - is making me ornery.
Little Miss, Little Miss Can't Be Wrong...
No carbs...Hurry up, Peanut! Mommy's starving!!!
I hope those cigarettes going to make you cough
Hope you hear this song and it pissed you off.
I take that back I hope you're doing fine
And if I had a dollar I might give you 99...
I had a really awesome dream - about me being dressed in hoop skirts and petticoats...I was planting a vegetable garden, I think. I know that Hubby and my parents were there. And I was upset about the Yankees coming. I don't remember the rest. Oh, well, too bad.
I finally saw a reminder today that Lexington is really in the South, after all. (As opposed to being Virginia and Florida, and Myrtle Beach and Hilton Head status - geographically in the South, but definitely not Southern...) All county offices will be closed on May 10th in order to observe Confederate Memorial Day. That made me very, very happy.
I am hungry. I don't really want to eat anything, though.
Lord, teach me to love people. Even if I completely hate their actions...
I met some very distant-they-don't-count relatives. I just happened to google my mother's maiden name and found a lady who is looking for information on that family line. It appears that her great-great grandmother was the sister of my great-great grandfather. Neat, huh? I was able to share some family stories with her. She is going to give me more information, too. I think she moved out West - don't ask me why...
Don't try to act like you ain't know where we been either ...
In the club all the time..., pop off ....
G-unit...
Because you can't starve us out and you can't make us run
Cause when them ole boy raised on shotgun
We say grace and we say ma'am
If you ain't into that, we don't give a durned...
01 May, 2006
Hubby is sick. I finally get a chance to take care of him. He has taken care of me so many times since we met.
I have my last final exam tomorrow. Ugh!!! No fun.
I went to the doctor today. He said it could be any day now. I asked when Hubby and I should nix trips out of town. He said after the next visit - in two weeks. It is really close. Wow. He said that he would prefer that the baby come after 36 weeks - that is full term. But, really, he said anytime after 30 weeks is fine. I am 31 weeks. I think that this news will make the next month or so just drag out.
Doc also said that my sugar is borderline. He doesn't want me to eat anymore carbs for the rest of the pregnancy. That is fine with me. I really don't want anything except hotdogs and sauerkraut - which he said was perfectly fine. I haven't gained anymore weight in the last 3 weeks. I don't intend on gaining much more weight for the next month or so. Let's see if I can do this.
I was filling out Peanut's baby book. The book that we chose is really cool. It has Bible verses at the bottom of the pages. There is a growth chart, a family tree, a space to put the history of his name, places to put pictures... My mom and I looked at every book in the store. When we saw that one, we both knew that was the one to get. Another thing that I like about it is that it has places to record his first, second, and third years of life.
Wow. Can you believe it? I am a mommy - almost completely. But, really, I feel like a mommy now. I hope that I am the kind of mother who has that nurturing, gentle touch about her. Do you know what I mean? I have met alot of really great mothers who just aren't gentle or very nurturing. I don't want to "baby" Peanut too much, but still... I am praying that God will give me that softness to be the kind of mother who can get away with rocking him for hours, and kissing away all of his little hurts, and making the magic chicken-noodle soup that cures all sickness, and knowing just the right word to take care of his little heartaches... I tried to ask my mom how she knew how to do all of those things, and she just said that it came with the territory. I hope so...
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